You never really knew poverty. Or abuse from someone that you thought loved you. Not until this. You're so broke it's nearly laughable. For making decent money, you never stopped to consider what sort of person your girlfriend really was. Materialistic, and not in a good way. You've figured out that if you buy her things, she won't [[hit you]] as often.
That's me. I'm Kiran. I mean, some people call me Catherine, and that's okay. I'm not going to get mad about it. It's taken me a long time to figure out that I'm neutrois, and even longer to recover from everything that I have experienced. Thank you for playing through my journey.\n\nI never want to re-live being [[nineteen]] again.
She hits you more than you'd like to admit. What hurts worse is the yelling. She calls you names, and belittles your intelligence at nearly every opportunity. You wonder if moving here was a mistake. Living in the closet can't be easy for her, and you suggest coming out. She refuses the idea so vehemently it shocks you, and doesn't speak to you for a week. A few months later, she flings an insult at you that 10 years later, you will recall word for word: "I don't know why I bothered to try to change a [[slut]] into a princess."
Not quite yet. There's more where this came from. Coming soon!\n\nFor now, you're still [[nineteen]]
Nineteen is an auto-biographical game I created, detailing viginettes from my life. Please enjoy this story of gender identity, living in the closet, abuse, and rising above all the odds.\n\nTrigger Warnings: Abuse, slurs, domestic violence.
At first, you call yourself FtM. This is your identity from 18-27. You navigate college as a transgender man, and it is a bit of a mess. Your teachers don't mess up your pronouns, which is a miracle in an of itself. You meet a girl, in college for the first time. (Before you flunked out, of course.) She's blonde and her name is Rose. She kisses you and runs her hands along your binder. It makes you feel alive. Like you're normal, for once. She calls you Aidan. You don't wonder what that actually means.\n\n11 years later, when your fiancee calls you [[Kiran]] for the first time, it will feel like coming home.
You're registered for Game Design in 2014. You haven't gotten into online gaming yet, not back in 2003. You spend a lot of time reading fanfiction, writing silly roleplay, and listening to entirely too much emo music. You play games on a PlayStation, and buy a Nintendo. Never in your wildest dreams did you ever think you could [[make a living from creating.]]
Coming soon. This story isn't over yet.\n\nAre you [[nineteen]] again?
The word, 'slut' makes you angry. You've only slept with one person that wasn't her, a transgender young man from your summer job at a grocery store. Does she understand what that word means? As you struggle with your [[gender identity]], it is this word that makes you wonder if all women have to face such insults to their character. You do not identify with being a woman, but the word 'slut' implies more than just your morals.
Gender identity is something that you will struggle with for your entire adult life. The Gods know you've wrestled with it since you were a child. When you were 14, a group came into your school and handed you salvation in the form of the word, [[transgender]]. It is the first time you feel like there just might be others like you in the world.
It is March 19th, 2004. There isn't usually anything special about this date. Today, there is. You are nineteen, in love, and more than a bit ignorant of the world, as most teenagers are. You've fallen into what you think is love, and you're moving 3,000 miles to Los Angeles to be with her. You came out of the closet at 12, but your family still thinks you might end up straight. \n\nYou're not even [[nineteen]] yet.
She never kisses you like she means it. When she does, you count the times of these occurences on your hands. Try to store them in your memory. Ten years later, you can remember how it felt to have her cup your face in her hands, gently. Like she loved you. Except, there was one problem. [[she didn't love you as much as she hated herself.]]
You stay with her until the money runs out and the insults become too much. You wonder what life holds for you, now that you have exhausted your finances. This won't be the first time you ask your parents for [[money.]] She doesn't really care that you're leaving. You find that, at nearly 20--you are no longer surprised. You give it 2 months after returning home before you break up with her for good. You never speak again.
This car is pretty old. In a few months it's going to die, and you'll sell it to someone for five hundred bucks that will help you move back to Massachusetts--you know, where you came here from. You don't know that yet. Instead, you curse as the car nearly fails to start. When she kisses you goodnight, it feels like a [[surgical]] procedure.
College. In 2014, you will be halfway through a Bachelor's Degree. You could have had two of them by now. Could have had a PhD. Instead, you don't. You take online courses, have a 3.2 GPA, and wonder if everyone will call you out as the fake that you are. You feel like your education hasn't been earned. Like you don't deserve it, even now.\n\n[[log into online course?]]
You will ask your parents for money, feeling like more and more of a burden, in 2007 at the age of 21--to escape an abusive relationship. Your parents know some of the details, but they don't know that your ex-husband threatened your life on more than one occasion. In 2011, at [], you will be sent money to crawl back to Massachusetts from Salt Lake City, once again--a failure. In 2012, everything changes. You are now [[27.]]
Kiran (Catherine) Oliver
It takes you two failed hormonal transitions, with androgens raging through your body--to realize HRT is not for you. Not to mention the fact that you have a family that you couldn't turn your back on...You don't identify enough with being a man to transition. As a matter of fact, you don't identify with [[anything, really.]]
You turn 19 on April 9th, 2004. You've somehow managed to land a job at an office in a Los Angeles suburb. Under the table, no taxes. You're bringing in more money than you'll make at some jobs years down the road, though you don't know that yet. Your girlfriend's mother attempts to throw you a party, while your girlfriend herself glares at you. Her family knows about your relationship. You didn't ask for a celebration. As you walk out to your car, she sighs at you. [[Open the car door]]
She finds your jeans one night, digging through your back pockets. College assignments you'd stuffed in there, and let's ignore the fact that you [[flunked out]] of graphic design and it would take you 6 years to go back to college after this. "Don't touch that!" it's the first time you've raised your voice to her, ever. "Aidan? Who the fuck is Aidan?" it takes all your courage to return her steely gaze, [["I am."]]